jump and relax

When I jumped,
I faced the world head on, not the way you said I should.
I never listened when you begged me to stop, I couldn't help myself.
I needed you to stand next to me, fight my fights, hold my hand, let me rest.
It never happened. It never was going to happen.
The world was over shadowed by haunting memories and death plagued dreams.
I reached out but only got a cold shoulder in return.
There was no escape, It never ended.
Just got worse.
I wanted so bad to just leave everything behind, let the world swallow me up.
Turn me invisible.
To be a ghost would be better than this.
I'm sorry That's all I can think to say
I tried my best after all. People use to tell me that you can only try your best.
they never told me what to do if my best wasn't good enough.
Could I do anything differently? As I look back I guess I could have.
Hidden from the world, wrap myself up in happy thoughts and skip down the street like they wanted me to.
You told me that's what I should do.
I never listen.
Extreme.
That's what I wanted, something everyone would gasp at.
Send shock through the nations.
leaving people wishing that they could have done something differently.
Helped me.
when I jumped I left a world of disgrace behind.
I also left guilt, pain, depression and death.
I didn't mean to, I swear I didn't
but I didn't know
didn't know what pulling out of life could do to the world you leave behind.
I could have done something differently..... yeah
Not jumped.

Scapegoat of shame

6 feet under
trapped in snow
not a single mourners does show
for the soul long forgotten by the living is dead
and not one single tear will anyone shed

If you stand in the cold for just long enough
your ears will strain to hear the soft
weeping of the child locked under the snow
who not even a name does anyone know

Nameless forgotten and kept out of sight
The child crys all day and all night
although you don't know them,
the child knows you
and its soul is angry with everything that is you

For the child is everything you just forgot
or the thing that you hide and leave to rot
The child holds our sins and feeds off our lust
It hates you with every ounce of its must

The child is the hate you feel everyday
The child is the anger you keep locked away
The child knows everything others can't see
the child hates everything you want to be

the child is your disappointment, your sadness your shame
the child is the one who you leave the blame
when you look into the child's eyes when your six feet under too
you'll see the child does have a name
as the child is you...
PandaPooh
     xXx

clawing at air

There's this new pain, I've been feeling lately.
Its like having something within reach but no matter how hard you stretch for it, your fingertips never quite touch it. The pit of your stomach is twisted in knots and you feel like a chain is coiled around you pulling you back, away from the desired thing. You try with all your might to reach, you break the chains that hold you back and your fingertips graze the surface. The magical moment of love rushes between you and this thing and you want it never to end but just as life promises, it cruelly snatches it from your arms and pulled out of reach again.
   To reach seems impossible but its only impossible if one force stops trying and lets the chain holding it back control its life. never give up now matter how far your desired thing, or being is. Chains will rust away but love will never brake.
PandaPooh
     xXx