I miss you.

I'll sit and wait for you all night long
even though you won't come
I'll wait for you in hope
I'll wait for you.
Sitting in the blurry eyed depths of the morning
when the sun rises i will wait
Giving you one more minute to brighten the pink streaked skies above me.

I will wait for eternity if i must
Just to hear your wise words of comfort
The words i fell in love with
The words i long to hear again

The skies are tinged with yellow now
But i will wait
You may never come back
but dreamers can dream
Your past words roam my memory
not a second passes i don't wish for your return
I don't even know if your alive
but i will wait
even if i shed a thousand tears in my struggle

I have so much to tell you
But i fear i may never speak to you again
The skies are dark again
The stars waiting with me
Lunar whisperings of you
I speak no words for fear of my emotions staining the moonlit world

I'm still waiting
searching for you
One day you will return
and i will be waiting
where you left me......

Red Velvet Lined With Lies

    Who could suspect the woman in the velvet red dress. who captivates her audience at dinner party's with witty small talk and well rehearsed anecdotes. She could mealy stand before the table in her magnificence and stun her guests with her angle like body, Shimmering hair weaved from the light of the stars, or even her powdered white face, background to her soft blood red lips. She seduced the men and charmed the ladies. Fluttering her long black eyelashes to the man on the chair opposite.

     When asked of her plans for the years ahead, she paused. Bite her lip softly and flicks her hair. Answering with gleaming confidence and a sense of accomplishment, 'I'm already in my future,' She laughed in a honey glazed voice. 'With 5 star roles under my belt and a bafta pending for best actress, i think my job seeking is complete.' Her dining guests laughed and fell in ore of the perfect being sat with them. She paused again. 'Although,' she whispered, her head bowed down.'I'm not feeling my job as much as i use to, the rush of the set, the buzz of the camera. Its affects on me seem to wear thing..'

     A small red haired woman with a bland face rested her hand on the shoulder of their heavenly host, 'is there something that bothers you?'

'Or perhaps you need a new challenge, a different character to play?' A square chinned man added from across the table. 'Or maybe a different job might suit you better' remarked a plum, red-faced chap who clearly was sat too far up his own ass. The woman in the velvet red dress looked up upon hearing this and looked the pompus cat up and down. The guests turned to look at this man too, in seeing their host cast cold eyes upon him.

    'Your quite right my dear fellow!' a wicked grin creeping on to her Innocent face. She stood, taking up a wine glass in hand. 'Too long have i spent my life doing something that only skims the knife. I thought to my self as i lay awake last night. I must find a job that will give me a thrill far more than any drug type pill. Something to put me on the edge of life but keep me going with my fast pace life.' She paused once again, clocking each reaction her guest held on them selves.

     'I dreamt of the thing that will lead me to salvation and let me leave behind this abomination, of a life. For i saw the future and let it seep into my bones and its all i can think of above the normal tones, of this life!' 'I'm tired of the seemingly endless stream of crap which flows from your mouths and onto your laps! Your idol chatter of  the celeb we should hex or even the 'Hot gossip' of who's having sex. Your like animals and rumors your prey, doing anything you can for six chunks of meat a day. Then you swan in here, feeling mighty important for being called to dine with a star like me. Trying to impress me with your pathetic little lives! when i don't really care if your dead or your alive. I found my new line of work most exhilarating! and i think you'll agree its a bafta winning performance from me. For tonight you have all been part of my new job experience and the results are amazing! lacking the appearance, of the substance needed to complete this evening's lie, but worry not for all of you will die! I used rat poison instead of the acid i had hoped to wed, to the food at this table.'

'What?!' Choked the plump extremely red faced man.

'My dear did your mother never say, don't interrupt unless you have a contribution to make! you all will now be feeling the poison eating away your insides, which i gather isn't a pleasant feeling seen as your all on the floor clutching your sides.' The woman in the velvet red dress swept across the dining room hall and stopped at the door. 'Well, it was a marvellous evening that satisfied my thirst, I would ask you to do it again sometime but somehow i doubt you'll have the time, for attending anymore dinner party's, or life for that matter!'

    Seeing their host turn from angel to devil cause all the guest to fall into shock, although the poison in thier gut added to thier pain. A woman with a mask of make up reached up to her host, spluttering out blood as she gasped for air. 'You'll never get away with this, you hear!'

     The woman in the velvet red dress knelt by the woman and touched her cheek, 'I already have my dear.' With a flash of red and glance back on her guests, the innocent woman refilled her eyes. She laughed menacingly and with one mighty push the door slammed shut and the final sound the dinners heard. Was the sound of their favoured host walking back into her fake world.

Pandapooh

     xXx

Break Up Note

She could hardly stand she was shaking so bad. Her mind racing and regret eating away at her insides. He would be home in a few minutes, she still had time to forget about the whole thing.Still had time to rethink what she was doing. Even though in her heart she knew this was a cruel thing to do to a man that loved her with his whole heart, but she was intent on doing this. She had to do this! She promise before she heard the key turn in the lock that she would do this and she wouldn't back out of it...

   The door clicked open. The woman put her head in her hands and sat on the edge of the sofa. 'Hey Honey! I'm back from work. Are you home?' The man shouted down the hall. She heard the sound of the door click shut and footsteps to the room she was sitting in. 'Rose?' The man whispered standing in the entrance of the room. She slowly looked up, tears staining her pale skin. 'Rose!' He said again but louder. 'Whats wrong and whats...' His eyes drifted to the suitcases in the middle of the room, cutting his sentence short.
   'Rose whats going on?' He whispered faintly. She slowly stood up and looked into the confused face of her boyfriend. 'I'm leaving' She finally said not able to look him in the eyes.
What?!' He cried, sliver tears suddenly welling in his wide blue eyes.
'I can't do this anymore' She said blandly and picked up her suitcases. Sudden helplessness came over the man as tears began to slitter down his face. 'Please! what have i done to upset you? I thought you were happy? where are you going? Don't you love me anymore?' He asked with pleading eyes. Rose felt her heart twist as a dagger of guilt plunged into it. She turned away and stared down at her suit cases. 'you've met someone else haven't you?!' His voice quivered with anger. 'Who is it?' He shouted at her grabbing her arm.
'ouch! your hurting me! get off!' She yelped as his nails bit into her skin sending blood dripping in a stream down her arm. 'You will not and you cannot leave me!' He yelled in her face. Rose's eyes widened with fear as she suddenly realised she had made a terrible mistake.
      'I lied!' Rose whimpered 'I'm not leaving just please let go of me!' His eyes became dark pits of hate and the man Rose knew no longer lived in the hating monster before her now. 'You've been with him here!' He shouted digging his claws in tighter and tighter.
'No! No!' She cried as her knees gave way and she fell hard to the floor. Her arm was now dripping with crimson blood. She watched as it cascaded onto the floor like a red waterfall, her stomach clenching at the sight and her vision starting to go hazy. 'I can smell him on you!' He spat at her. In a sudden move he released her arm only to quickly grab a hand full of hair keeping her from escaping. 'Please!' she screamed.
  He dragged her through the hall by her hair. She screamed in protest and kicked and lashed out as best she could, but he was too strong. He pushed her into the bathroom and locked the door behind them, taking the key out the door and in his pocket. She backed up against the wall. 'please, please. I didn't, I don't..' She Stammered. None of her words would go together and she couldn't remember why she was here and her body was slowly going numb, it all just felt like a bad dream. She watched as he put the plug in the bath and turned on both taps. The sound of the water crashing into the pure white bath hurt her head.
   He walked up to her and looked into her eyes 'Don't worry,' He whispered 'I'll clean you of him.' He knelt down next to her and took her blood soaked hand 'Your mine forever,' A evil smile crept onto his face and made the very core of Rose's body shiver. 'There is no other man!' She shouted as she started to realised what was happening. He stood up. His face plagued with hate. 'I made it up! She shouted.
'Lier!' He snapped and swung his fist at her head. The force of the blow knocked her over into the side of the bath. Her head spun and throbbed where she had hit it and stung when he had hit her. She looked at the side of the bath and gasped to see a red stain where her head had been. Everything was shaking and nothing would go into focus for more than a minute. 'Please stop this' She whispered, suddenly tasting the warm metallic taste of blood seep into her mouth.
    He grabbed her by the hair and pulled her in front of the bath. 'You will always be mine and no other man can have you' He whispered into her ear softly. A small drop of blood dripped from her mouth into the clear water that was now flowing over the bath. 'Please' She tried. He kissed her forehead. 'Ap...' She started but he pushed her head hard down into the water. She kicked her legs trying to hit him but his hold on her didn't allow her to move. she pushed hard against his hand and clawed at his iron grip with her nails. water was being splashed everywhere in her struggle and once she realised his grip was too stop she just kicked and tried to find the plug with her hands. Her sight was fuzzy and getting darker and darker. Her lungs were gasping for air and heaved as she struggled against him more. Her limbs became harded to move and her lungs were burning. Screaming in pain. Her hand grasped around the chain attached to the plug but all her muscles were shutting down. She tried as hard a she could but her hand wouldn't close around the chain. She just couldn't muster the energy to fight anymore. She closed her eyes and let the water enclose her completely. She breathed in and the water gushed into her lungs sealing her fate.

     He left the body in the bath which was now filled with bright red water. He felt nothing. He slowly walked to the living room and sat on the sofa, staring at the suitcases. The question why lingered in his head. Anger poured out of him and he kicked the suitcase hard and turned to leave. There was the sound of the case click open. He turned suddenly realising there may be a clue to why, in one of the suit cases. As he turned, his heart suddenly skipped a beat and his blood ran ice cold, for in the middle of the floor lay an open suit case. Inside there was no clothes or personal belonging. All the suit case had in it was hundreds of bright red rose petals. He sat by the suitcase and just stared. What did it mean? He unlatched the hook on the other suit case and what he saw when he opened it made his stomach twist into a knot and his heart rip into two. The suit case was once again full of hundreds of rose petals but this time a small piece of paper lay on top of them, with the words, written in Rose's hand writing, 'APRIL FOOLS'

jump and relax

When I jumped,
I faced the world head on, not the way you said I should.
I never listened when you begged me to stop, I couldn't help myself.
I needed you to stand next to me, fight my fights, hold my hand, let me rest.
It never happened. It never was going to happen.
The world was over shadowed by haunting memories and death plagued dreams.
I reached out but only got a cold shoulder in return.
There was no escape, It never ended.
Just got worse.
I wanted so bad to just leave everything behind, let the world swallow me up.
Turn me invisible.
To be a ghost would be better than this.
I'm sorry That's all I can think to say
I tried my best after all. People use to tell me that you can only try your best.
they never told me what to do if my best wasn't good enough.
Could I do anything differently? As I look back I guess I could have.
Hidden from the world, wrap myself up in happy thoughts and skip down the street like they wanted me to.
You told me that's what I should do.
I never listen.
Extreme.
That's what I wanted, something everyone would gasp at.
Send shock through the nations.
leaving people wishing that they could have done something differently.
Helped me.
when I jumped I left a world of disgrace behind.
I also left guilt, pain, depression and death.
I didn't mean to, I swear I didn't
but I didn't know
didn't know what pulling out of life could do to the world you leave behind.
I could have done something differently..... yeah
Not jumped.

Scapegoat of shame

6 feet under
trapped in snow
not a single mourners does show
for the soul long forgotten by the living is dead
and not one single tear will anyone shed

If you stand in the cold for just long enough
your ears will strain to hear the soft
weeping of the child locked under the snow
who not even a name does anyone know

Nameless forgotten and kept out of sight
The child crys all day and all night
although you don't know them,
the child knows you
and its soul is angry with everything that is you

For the child is everything you just forgot
or the thing that you hide and leave to rot
The child holds our sins and feeds off our lust
It hates you with every ounce of its must

The child is the hate you feel everyday
The child is the anger you keep locked away
The child knows everything others can't see
the child hates everything you want to be

the child is your disappointment, your sadness your shame
the child is the one who you leave the blame
when you look into the child's eyes when your six feet under too
you'll see the child does have a name
as the child is you...
PandaPooh
     xXx

clawing at air

There's this new pain, I've been feeling lately.
Its like having something within reach but no matter how hard you stretch for it, your fingertips never quite touch it. The pit of your stomach is twisted in knots and you feel like a chain is coiled around you pulling you back, away from the desired thing. You try with all your might to reach, you break the chains that hold you back and your fingertips graze the surface. The magical moment of love rushes between you and this thing and you want it never to end but just as life promises, it cruelly snatches it from your arms and pulled out of reach again.
   To reach seems impossible but its only impossible if one force stops trying and lets the chain holding it back control its life. never give up now matter how far your desired thing, or being is. Chains will rust away but love will never brake.
PandaPooh
     xXx

Skin deep

You know that girl that always seems fine, the one who smiles and laughs with her friends and acts like her life is great. That girl that people get on well with. That girl, isn't fine.
     Shes standing in front of the mirror questioning her self. Looking at the scars that run up her broken body. Her ribs stick out under her paper like skin, no meat clung to her bones nor did it bless her body with shape, she was a skeleton wrapped in her tattered skin. Marks and scars on her body that she wishes she could remove. The worst thing she sees in her reflection is the stains on her body. The stains that haunt her a night and gnaw at her insides until she is crying in pain. She tried so hard to clean the stains off, but they never leave. She stands looking at her inner self and feels self loathing, she blames her self for everything. It was her fault and she must live with the stains and wounds she created.
   Looking deeper under the skin, her shame is entwined amongst her bone, where no one can find the things she did. her tears are locked in her heart resting in piles of shattered pieces of her self confidence and trust. A mass of sticky black goo oozed from her organs, a goo filled with with a secret that she found hard to live with. The goo would reside inside her until the night when it seeped out of her lungs and liver, twisting its self round her heart and making her self loathing grow to new heights. A goo that her parents thought she had forgotten about, something that grew and grew until she wanted to cut it out of her body just to make it stop and go away.
    You know that girl that seems like her life is great, if you saw her true reflection in her mirror you would see that girl that seems so cool, is slowly dying inside...