The letter of the burning heart..

I sat watching the flames eat in to the last of the memories
licking the feelings out of the pictures and places and setting them free
in a black cloud of smoke
The choking smell in the air had settled in my lungs
I only saw you as I sat there watching the flames
So easy to take  life..
Life a strange word,
powerful to the eye but when you delve deeper into the word you see so much more
how delicate the balance is
to see it fall apart when a tiny little flame is is pushed alongside
I though hard about how to do this..
how it should happen.
I wanted you dead, wanted you to pay make you suffer like you made me
and then I remembered...
The look on your face when you though I would die
I wanted to see that look again
how I wanted you to look and cry knowing it was your fault
I though fire would be best..
I heard you choke on ash before the heat kills you
and I liked the way it hurt
because all the pain meant for one second I would have you back
You would be mine again
a life would be lost.. but out of the ashes something new would be made
And I laughed... my last moments in the flames I was laughing on black smoke
feeling it twist inside me and grip my heart.
Death was easy..

I stood and walked out
past the firemen on the stairs
and the screaming people outside
and stopped in front of you..
tear filed eyes as you gripped the letter I had wrote to you
'too late' I whispered in your ear, kissed your cheek and then
I was gone..

LittlePandaa
     xXx

Love after all.. never breaks (unlike my heart)

every time you ask me to do something I don't wanna do
It hurts me to do it,
but I still do it because I love you

When you don't talk to me,
your silence kills me
I would rather die than be ignored by you

The fact I don't know if I'm the only one
is there someone sitting with you right now,
holding you
Kissing you
and
laughing at me

You own me,
have the power to destroy me,
you think you always had that
but your wrong..
I gave it to you
like I gave you my heart
Not that that counts for anything

It scares me to think what will happen if we got caught
I doubt you would stand beside me
when I needed you the most
I want you tell me everything but you don't..
and I know that you never will...

we're just strangers looking at each other through glass eyes
broken heart touched by the invisible you
our love faded tracks in the dirt
memories on Cd's snapped, splintered and taped over
to hide the pain..

worn out pictures filled with lust
DVDs left to rot
you changed me
for the better?
better for who?

I long for you to be with me
although that's never gonna happen
and its about time I realised that
stop living a dream and open my eyes to the endless road ahead of me

You've broken my heart so many times
made me cry endless nights
hurt me in so many ways
abused me
used me
left me the scars to prove I'm yours
yet, I still love you,
and I always will...

So take your best shot
but I won't die in your harmless flames
If I die It will be because you broke the heart that I gave to you
and trusted you with

I wish you would look into my eyes and tell me its okay
take my shaking hands
and hold me until the demons leave
I can wish...
close my eyes and wish it all away

I have no fear anymore
it burned with everything that I didn't want
and left me here
loving you...
a ghost

maybe you won't understand
I doubt that you do
but know this if anything..

walk through the flames not around
don't look back to dark places you have been
carry on forward and bare the over rated life cycle
everything will make sense when the smoke clears
until then do what you wish
and wish what you want
you never know
you could get lucky

LittlePandaa
        xXx

we share the same tears...

  The mist swirled around the graves, leaving the scene heavy with gloom. The damned came to the calling of the gravestones deadly silent to the living. A lone man stood by a grave unafraid and not knowing. He had been driving to see his girlfriend when he suddenly changed course and decided to come here instead. He had ignored the black rusting gates slowly creek open without a human to push them. He had been blind to the slitted eyes watching from the shadows of the graveyard and the cracking of the earth as he stepped upon it.
    He had been drawn to this grave and felt that he and the corpse, lying beneath the dirt, were somehow connected. He felt a tear slithered down his cheek and drip onto the damp ground, he wiped his cheek and found the tear had left a black stream down his face. He didn't understand...
    'Why are you crying?' A small pale boy stood watching him. The man tried to speak but words slipped from him when he saw the boys face drip away leaving rotting flesh and bone. The man drew back in horror. 'What are you?' he cried looked at the boys arm the bone was snapped tearing the skin and reaching for air, dry blood caked the wound.
  The boy took a step towards the man reaching out his skeleton like hand. 'Don't worry he picked you, your safe now.. you will always be safe,' the little boy smiled showing gray teeth stained with deep red blood. 'what do you mean?' The man asked. The little boy turned and slowly walked away. 'wait!' the man shouted.
'just look at the grave stone, you will find your answers there' his voice lingered as he disappeared into the dark mist.
   The man stood letting the silence crowd him until he could take it no longer. He faced the grave and looked down upon the moss covered stone... 'find your anwsers' he repeated to himself. He went to his knees and lightly laid his hand on the stone feeling its cold emptiness fill him. He gently pushed the moss off the grave until a name was visible.He felt his heart lunge and his breath fail him. car headlights flashed before his eyes and the sound of metal hitting metal and bones snapping like matchsticks rung through his head....
    The sharp slicing of water hitting him woke him from the darkness. He couldn't breath and everything was cloudy, shapes drifted above him like angles. He opened his mouth but water gushed inside and left him with no air. He panicked and started to trash about under the shapes, he reached up but his fingers only found more water. Something was pulling him down further and further away from the shapes and away from hope of the grave being wrong. He disappeared down into the depths of the water. He felt him self become weaker and weaker the deeper the got dragged. the water got colder and darker until darkness consumed everything including him.
    
  'tell me he's okay, please tell me he's okay,' she pleaded. The wind blew her golden hair across her face as she saw the tears in his eyes 'I'm so sorry..' he started but lost his voice and with regret turned away from her. She stood alone. looking down on the scene like an angel. Tear stained face, streams of mascara flowed down her place skin. he was gone and so was her world. Her heart ached and longed for him back. She didn't know the corpse in the drivers seat of her boyfriends car... It looked like him but he wasn't there...she didn't know where he was.
A last tear slithered down her cheek and dripped down to the damp ground, leaving a black stream down her face...
LittlePandaa
     xXx

walking away is the best thing I can do

Its clear that you don't care about me, I'm fed of this game
I'm tied of giving you what you want.
you never cared about feelings or what you did to hurt me
I can wish but I know that I'm not wrong

what do you want me to say
I won't be a part of your games
I've played too long and I've got the scars
maybe I can't live without you
I sure as hell can't live with you
so I guess I have to walk away...

I've died so many times from what you've done and said
hidden everything and tried to run
but you always seem to find me and bring me back to life
then slaughter me when you don't get what you want

what do you want me to say

I won't be a part of your games
I've played too long and I've got the scars
maybe I can't live without you
I sure as hell can't live with you
so I guess I have to walk away...


what do you want me to say (I can't say it)
I won't be a part of your games (I just can't be)
I've played too long and I've got the scars
(what do you want me to saayy Ohh)
maybe I can't live without you (I can't)
I sure as hell can't live with you
so I have to walk away...

I'll just have to walk away
(EVEN WHEN I NEVER DID ANYTHING WRONG) Oh no
so I have to walk away....

but a chapter of the bigger picture...

I found that this life is hard, and unfair.
Theres always something pushing you down that's hard to bare.
I don't know what it is but when ever something good happens something bad overshadows it until the bad clams all.

I found shit happens and nothing you can do will stop it happening
the world will still turn no matter what state your in
even If your eyes bleed the world will not see it
and you will die in vain, don't worry about that

you can bitch about people and never know the truth
things happening behind closed doors
make you sweat and make even the person watching feel guilty
dirty pleasures, and back street love
with someone who looks good in dim light

this is life, slipping, crashing, burning
like betting on a horse race you just have to watch from the boundary's and hope you backed the right horse
the government will tell us we're all sain while hoping Order will remain
they pump our misguided lives with lies, trying to hide the cries
of the dying masses

we know the truth, the one they hide
one with no fake hope and rules to abide
criminals run wild with dreams for the broken land
raging fires sweeping through cities fanned
by the murderous thoughts sparking in there heads

and what does that make you
an outsider or worse
they know you and they watch your every move
freedom, that's not a word in there vocabulary

so what will you do,
wake up,work, eat, sleep repeat
the life they gave you too keep the world control
you think you won't be there slave
ha you can run but never escape them

all you do is controlled
how are you certain that they didn't make you run
are you really doing what what you want or what has been written for you
we will never know, but one thing you can know
is..

you will never be good enough for them
what has been written for you is erasable
no matter now you try they will choose your fate
for the bigger picture, you are noting
you are but a chapter in there book of life...

LittlePanda
    xXx

what I wake up too...

its 1pm and I've just woke up. I go down stairs and sit for a while. Mum walks in 'Did you sleep well?'
'Yeahh,' I reply tiredly.
'Ahh good, I'm glad you have caught up on some sleep,' she smiles
'ermm well actually I didn't catch up that much,' I look away regretting I had opened my mouth.
'How so? did you go to bed late or something?' she asks raising one eyebrow.
'hmm yes I went to bed at 6am...' I sit waiting for her OMG reply.
'God! what the hell, I bet you were on that stupid laptop, its bloody ridiculous, you can't stay up till times like that!' she shouts my Dad and tells him.... Great.
He gets mad and then stupidly says tonight when they go to bed the broadband is getting unplugged, he walks off mumbling stuff about me being stupid.
   Right I'm not impressed at all, I don't get why parents think going to bed late is stupid! Just because they get tiered at like 7pm doesn't mean that teenagers do. And they have no idea what I was doing last night, for all they know I could have been writing up secret documents for the government! or stopping a friend from committing suicide... I wasn't but that's not the point!
   Its not fair that an adult can stay up till whatever time they want but when one little panda wants too, oohh noo! you can't do that, even though you don't have to get up for anything tomorrow you have to go to bed god damn early! Its stupid and ageist! and I also reckon not letting a teenager stay up is an act of child abuse!
   I'm so annoyed right now about this! Ooo and then Mum had the nerve to say when you go to bed that late this is why you get up at 1pm. 'NO! for your information I always get up at this sort of  time regardless of what time I go to bed. I could go to bed at 7pm and get up at 2pm. I was just about to storm off upstairs but Dad walks in front of me and says in a nice happy voice 'do you want some dinner?!'
What!!! another thing I don't understand is that one minute he can be all in a stress with me and the next really casual and willing to make me dinner! I'm serious adults have some real bloody issues.
    hmm well I'm fed up of parents bossing me around and controling all my actions, but they don't know what goes on behind closed doors! well I'm just gonna be glad when I get out of here and leave this hell hole. So I conclude that adults are weird things that need to think about there daughters feelings. Oh and If the broadband does for some reason get unplugged to night, ITS GETTING PLUGGED BACK IN!!!
over and out guuyysss
LittlePandaa
       xXx

Welcome to my Little Blog!

    Well as you can see I have a blog... Its not really that good, yet! I hope over time my little blog will grow and hopefully have at least one fan! I'm guessing I will most properly write about random things that no one cares about, and that the few number that will see it will be shocked and just die of boredom!
     ermm I'm racking my little Panda brain for what to say! hahaa God I'm really not good at this! Ahh well this is just a welcome to everyone who has the time to waste to read my little blog. yes I welcome all Murderers, rapists, satanists, drug addicts, drinkers and smokers! you are all invited to share my blog with meee and I hope you enjoy my posts and not hate me after reading them!
but its now  10 past 2 am and I'm soooo sleepy so I'm gonna get a bit of shut eye while the world spins on...
Over and out!
LittlePanda
     xXx